Does same-sex parenting really make ‘no difference’? - by Douglas W Allen

In MercatorNet 
October 10, 2013

Douglas W. Allen, an economist at Simon Fraser University, in Vancouver, has just published a highly controversial study in the journal Review of Economics of the Household. It breaks with the conventional wisdom that there is no difference between parenting by a mother and a father and parenting by a same-sex couple. 

MercatorNet interviewed Professor Allen about his findings. 

MercatorNet: What has your research found about educational outcomes for children of same-sex couples versus children of opposite sex couples?

 

Doug Allen: There have been about 60 studies over the past 15 years or so that have asked “do child outcomes differ when the child is raised in a same-sex household." Almost all of this literature has the following characteristics: the samples are tiny and biased, the outcome measures are subjective and difficult to replicate, and the finding is always one of "no difference."

Despite the limited scientific validity of these studies, they all end with sweeping policy recommendations. It really is not a scientific literature, but rather a political literature targeted at judges, lawyers, and politicians.

Then came a paper by Michael Rosenfeld, published in Demography 2010. This paper had a large random sample and looked at normal progression though schools in the US. It was, in my opinion, the first solid piece of statistical work done on the question, and he confirmed the "no difference" finding. Later, Joe Price, Catherine Pakaluk, and myself replicated his study and found two problems.

First, he didn't find "no difference". What he found was a lot of noise, and so he was unable to statistically distinguish children in same-sex households from children in any other type of household - including ones we know are not good for children.

Second, the lack of precision in his estimates came from a decision he made to throw out children from the sample who had not lived in the same location for five years. This turned out to be heavily correlated with same-sex households. Hence, he inadvertently threw away most of the same-sex households from the sample. Without that information, he did not have the statistical power to distinguish between family types.

So, the three of us restored the sample and used the statistical technique of controlling for household stability. What we found was that children of same-sex households were about 35 percent more likely to fail a grade.

While this was going on, I was using the Canada census to look at some other questions. I noticed several things about the census that differed from the US. one. First, unlike in the US, the Canada census actually identifies same-sex couples. This solves a big measurement problem with the US census, which could include room mates, family members, and opposite sex couples as same-sex ones.

Second, the Canada census had a nice link between the children and the parents, so I was able to control for the education of the parents and their marital status. Poor performance in school is correlated with marital disruptions of parents, so this is an important control. In many ways then, the Canada census is a much better data set for addressing this question, and I decided to simply redo the Rosenfeld study using this data. (The census does not record progress through school, so I examined high school graduation rates instead).

So, what did I find? First, I simply looked at how any child in a gay or lesbian home did compared to children from married, cohabiting, and single parent homes. Most of the discussion in the paper compares children in same-sex homes to those in opposite sex married homes, but a reader can do all of the comparisons by looking at the tables.

I found that on average, children in same-sex homes were about 65 percent as likely to graduate from high school, compared to similar children in married opposite sex homes. That finding seems very similar to the one we found in the US regarding normal progress. Next, I wondered if the gender composition mattered at all, so I separated out the boys and girls. I was very surprised by the results.

On the boy side, I just found a lot of noise. Some boys do well in same-sex households; some do quite poorly. I cannot statistically determine the effect.

Just looking at the point estimates, boys in lesbian homes are about 76 percent as likely to graduate, in gay homes they are about 60 percent more likely to graduate. But neither of these are statistically significant, meaning they cannot be distinguished from zero.

Girls are another story. First, the estimates are very precise. Second, they are low. A girl in a gay household is only 15 percent as likely to graduate, in a lesbian household about 45 percent as likely. The result found by lumping all of the children together is being driven by this girl effect. This result is very robust, I tried many specifications, sample restrictions, and estimation techniques, but it always remained.

So, my paper no only rejects the "no difference" consensus, it points to a finding -- that if upheld by other studies -- seems incredibly important.

 

It's particularly hard on girls, isn't it? Why is that?

 

Allen: It is important to point out that I make no theoretical claims in the paper. I'm simply pointing out an empirical finding that is based on a high quality large random sample, and which is inconsistent with almost everything that has come before.

Having said that, as an economist, I would make the following speculation: specialization. It makes sense to me that fathers and mothers are not perfect substitutes. Indeed, mothers may provide some parenting services that a father cannot provide, and fathers may provide parenting services that mothers cannot. These services may be necessary for girls but not necessary for boys.

For example, I've been told by medical people that when a biological father is present in the home, daughters begin menstruation at an older age. Later menstruation is likely correlated with delayed sexual activity, etc., and this may lead to a better likelihood of high school completion.

It seems to me there could be dozens of channels this could work. As a father of two girls and one boy, I've often had discussions with other parents noting that with boys you just have to keep them fed and away from explosives, but with girls rearing is a little more complicated. That's a poor attempt at humour, but the bottom line is this is an interesting question that deserves to be looked at.

One explanation of poor school performance in general is that children of same-sex couples may be discriminated against at school. This seems less likely given the different finding between boys or girls. Or at least one would have to come up with a different more complicated story of discrimination.

 

This turns the conventional wisdom on its head, doesn't it? Most people think that there is no difference. Was there anything wrong with the quality of previous research?

 

Allen: I think I've answered this above. I should point out one other thing, however. I've read just about every paper on this subject that has been published since 1995. Although many of them claim to find "no difference", they often do find something. Again, the finding is coming from a biased small sample, but differences are found. For example, children growing up in same-sex homes are more likely to experiment with alternative sexual lifestyles, etc.

I should also point out that not all studies are created equal. For example, an Australian sociologist named Sotirios Sarantakos has done considerable work in the 1990s that (though not random) uses large longitudinal studies of objective, verifiable, and hard measures of performance. He finds many differences with children in same-sex households in terms of mathematics, language and other school performance measures. Interestingly, his work is never referenced in most literature surveys. Again, this points to the political nature of this literature.

 

Your conclusions are based on Canadian census data. Why is that better than US data?

 

Allen: I've mentioned this above, but let me give more detail. The US census does not identify same-sex cohabiting or married couples. So how did Rosenfeld and others find them? They looked at a series of questions: for example, what is your sex, are you married, what is the sex of your spouse? If someone answered male / yes / male, then this would be considered a gay couple.

The problem with this is that it can lead to a number of measurement issues. Suppose I'm a married man, bunking with another man in a work camp (this may seem far fetched, but it is a real example). When I answer the survey I say I'm male, I'm married, and I'm currently living with a male. I may get counted as a same-sex couple even though I'm not. This can happen with same-sex family members who live together, room mates, and others.

There is also the problem of random mistakes. No one fills out a form perfectly, and sometimes the wrong box is ticked off. Because there are so many heterosexuals compared to gays and lesbians, it only takes a small fraction of seniors to tick off the wrong sex box and it can swamp the same-sex sample. The Canada census avoids these problems. It not only identifies same-sex couples, but they must be in a cohabiting or marriage relationship.

Canada has also had legal same-sex marriage before the census was taken. Many have argued that Canada is more open and accepting of same-sex marriage. As a result, the reporting bias is likely lower in Canada than in the US.

Finally, as mentioned above, I was able to control for the marital history of the parents. This also turns out to be statistically important, and in the paper I show what happens when this is not controlled for. Children in same-sex households are much more likely to come from a previous heterosexual marriage than from adoption or other means. Divorce, however, reduces the likelihood of graduation. If you don't control for this effect, children of same-sex households look like they do even worse at graduation. So this is an important variable to consider.

Does your study prove conclusively that there is no difference? What questions does it raise?

 

Allen: Assuming there are no mistakes in the study, it rejects the claim that there is "no difference." I personally think that in social science we should never place too much weight on a given study. It is important that we look at evidence from different countries, etc. I would say this study builds on a few others that are questioning the long held consensus. An examination of the literature shows that the consensus is built on only a series of preliminary work. Now that people have started looking at this more seriously, we're finding no evidence for that conclusion.

 

In such a contentious field, will your study make an impact upon the public debate?

 

Allen: I don't know, but I suspect it will have little impact. The debate seems to have shifted from the statistical lab to the bumper sticker. The concept of "marriage equality" and the alignment of same-sex marriage rights with the civil rights movement seems so powerful that I doubt one little study will matter much.

If there is merit to the study, and if there really is a difference that matters, I think it is much more likely that 20 years from now we'll be asking "how did we get here and how can we clean up the mess" -- in much the way we now wonder how we ended up in a world where so many children are raised by single parents.

 

Sociologist Mark Regnerus published a paper which came to a similar conclusion last year and was all but crucified by his colleagues and activists. Do you expect a similar reaction?

 

Allen: Prior to the publication of his paper I was unaware of Professor Regnerus' existence. Because I was working in this area I saw what immediately happened. I was struck by the hypocrisy of those who attacked him.

Here was someone who had looked at the literature and decided to do something better. There were tiny samples, so he went and found a large sample. There was nothing but bias and snowballing (the procedure of asking friends to join a study), so he did a random procedure. There was way too much soft-balling of questions, so he asked a series of quantifiable ones. He was trying to improve the work, and that is commendable.

Was his study perfect? No, but a study never is. His great error, of course, was that he found the wrong answer. Those who came later and complained about the things he did should have been equally outraged by what had come before. Had Regnerus found otherwise, they would have lauded his work as path-breaking.

I rather suspect this will not happen to me for a number of reasons. First, after the Demography comment came out last year, my university received several letters (sent to the president, various other administrators, and many of my colleagues) demanding that I be fired. These were the same tactics that were used against Professor Regnerus.

Fortunately for me, I'm well known and respected at my institution and we have a strong sense of academic freedom. Indeed, Simon Fraser University has recently been ranked as one of the safest universities to express ideas that may be politically incorrect.

Second, my study only looks at one margin of child performance: high school graduation. Professor Regnerus looked at many and in many ways he found more problems than I found.

Third, my sample is a 20 percent sample of the Canada census. No one can claim I have a small biased sample or that the agency in charge of collecting it is not trustworthy. Fourth, Professor Regnerus was first, and I think being first is much more likely to come under fire. Fifth, the US Supreme Court has already made a decision on Prop 8 and DOMA, so much of the incentive to attack has passed.

Having said that, I have come under some attack, and I would like to relay one incident that has happened.

Last week I received an email from David Badash, the editor of The New Civil Rights Movement, a prominent gay rights website. In it he said he'd heard about the study, wasn't happy about it, but wanted to talk to me before he wrote about it. I emailed back, sent him a copy, and invited him to ask me any questions about the work.

On Monday, when I arrived at work, there were a number of colourful emails waiting for me, calling me all kinds of four-letter words. I soon realized that these were coming from people who had read Mr Badash's blog page.

So I went to have a look myself. What I found was a mixture of personal attacks, misunderstandings and misrepresentations of my work, and a general meanspiritedness. Just the opposite of what I've always believed a public discussion should be.

So, maybe I'm naive, maybe the attacks will come. I hope not. Anyone who wants to read my work is welcome, and I'm willing to have a reasonable discussion about it with anyone.

 

Douglas W. Allen is the Burnaby Mountain Professor of economics at Simon Fraser University in Burnaby, British Columbia, where he earned his undergraduate degree. He has a PhD in economics from the University of Washington, and is the author of four books and numerous articles.

Boosters of same-sex parenting rely heavily on sociologists’ surveys. But do these really prove their case? - by Walter R. Schumm

In MercatorNet 

As a sociologist my life is all about creating, taking and interpreting surveys of attitudes and opinions. So I sometimes feel a bit depressed at how knuckle-headed the media can be when reporting about research on same-sex marriage. Let’s look at a slogan which is being repeated over and over: Same-sex parents are just as good at parenting as heterosexuals. This looks simple -- but its simplicity is deceptive. Let me unpack it for you.

What is meant by “same-sex”? 

Two sisters living together to save money, raising children from former husbands who died at a young age? Two bisexual women with children from previous marriages to men? Two lesbians who have each conceived a child by sperm donation? Two gay men who have adopted a child jointly?

Different situations can impact children very differently; thus, it is risky to subsume them all under the one label of “same-sex parent”. Does it mean that one parent had some same-sex experience as a teenager but now is heterosexual? Does it mean that one parent identifies as heterosexual but engages in gay affairs just for the sex? Sexual orientation is defined by attraction, behavior, and identity, with all combinations in between. Does it mean a woman who was raped at age six and became lesbian out of a hatred for her rapist? Does it mean a woman who feels she can be a better mother with another woman at her side rather than a man? Or, are we talking about someone who identifies as a “gay” man because he has found he has no sexual attraction to women or to men?

What is meant by “good”?

Does it mean they are provided adequate nutrition? Does it mean they are growing up with no plans on having sex until they marry? Does it mean they plan on cohabiting before they marry? Are they being raised to believe that they can marry a man or a woman when they marry? To what extent do the children believe in and practice delayed gratification? Are their gender roles distinct from those of the opposite sex? Are they growing up to love and serve God, putting that before personal pleasure or satisfaction? Does it mean they are academically prepared to succeed at the university?

What is meant by “just as”?

Does it mean that in a comparison of two biased non-random convenience samples, small in size, that there was an effect size difference that was moderate in magnitude but not statistically significant? Does it mean that there was a national random sample from which groups were compared with adequate statistical power to detect even small effect sizes? Were appropriate statistics used to make the comparisons?

What is meant by “parenting”?

Does it mean the parent is biologically related to the child? Does it mean that the parent spends only one day every two weeks with the child because of custody disputes? Does it mean that the father is the child’s biological father but the father has long ago disappeared and has not seen the child in the past ten years? Does it mean that the parent is “around” but for all practical purposes the child is being raised by a nanny? Does it mean that the parent has so much money that paid employees are, for all practical purposes, raising the child?

What is meant by “heterosexuals”?

Are these folks legally married? Cohabiting? In a civil union? Is the parent heterosexual but parenting alone because of the death or separation from the other person? Are the parents heterosexuals with a per capita family income (two parents earning $40,000 a year with six children) of a tenth of what the per capita family income of the comparison group (eg, one lesbian parent earning $100,000 a year with one child) happens to be?

What does the research say?

What may look simple on the surface can be pretty complicated. Research has been very limited in the past but is getting better. So what do we know?

First, despite continued denials, it appears that children of gay-lesbian-bisexual (GLB) parents are more likely to grow up to engage in same-sex sexual behavior, at least on an experimental basis, or to identify as GLB, than children of heterosexual parents.

This may be related to the evidence that GLB parents are much more flexible about or tolerant of their children adopting a non-heterosexual orientation than are most heterosexual parents. There is some evidence that sexual behavior by heterosexual children of same-sex parents is less traditional (cohabit sooner, more likely to have sex before marriage).

Second, if same-sex parents have long-term stable relationships, their children may do as well in some areas (psychological adjustment, school success), at least as reported by the parent (we have less information in terms of child reports or independent observers). However, same-sex parents (in contrast to same-sex couples, whose relationships may be as stable) appear to have far less stable relationships than heterosexual married, even cohabiting couples. That is, instability may be a problem for children, for both same-sex and heterosexual families. But the risk is greater for the former and their children on average may be disadvantaged.

Third, there is growing evidence that the gender roles of the children of same-sex couples, including adoptive same-sex couples, are more “flexible”. What that means in practice is that among the children of heterosexuals, the most masculine girl scores well below the average score for boys while the most feminine of boys scores well above the average score for girls. Among the children of same-sex parents, it is not uncommon for the most masculine girls to score above the average for boys and for the most feminine of boys to score below the average for girls (ie, much greater overlap of the distributions, which are also closer to each other).

Fourth, there is growing evidence that the children of same-sex couples may be more likely to use or abuse illegal drugs. This may reflect greater such drug usage by homosexuals in general or may reflect less parental training in delayed gratification by same-sex parents. Evidence is mounting that same-sex persons are more likely to have a background of childhood sexual abuse, which might or might not play into how they parent, if they become parents.

Because of selective reporting by most media, it is likely that most readers have never heard of much of this information.

If parents have a DNA relationship to a child, they take better care of the child. (I am referring to research that live-in boyfriends tend to abuse their girlfriend’s children more than do biological fathers.) In the traditional marriage, both parents have a DNA relationship to all of their children. This creates a quandary in that while we want to be supportive of all families and may need to be more supportive of non-DNA families, we really want as a society overall to encourage parenting by stable-relationship parents who are the biological parents of the child.

Who is doing the heavy lifting?

From another angle, we want to reward those in society who do the most difficult “emotional work”. Anyone who has ever tried living with a member of the opposite sex knows that it is emotional work and that it is not always easy.

There are numerous ways in which gender makes for conflict in heterosexual relationships. In terms of happiness in heterosexual relationships, if there are differences, it is most often that the woman is less happy.

It is clear that one result of no-fault divorce has been the feminization of poverty in which women lose much of their socioeconomic status after a divorce, even though they are more often responsible for the care of the children. If we begin to treat same-sex lesbian marriages as the same as heterosexual ones, what are we really telling young women? Go ahead and marry a man because this is good for society (both of you will have a DNA relationship to the child and your relationship will be more stable, which is good for the child) but you will have to accept the risk of a greater likelihood of being unhappy and of being ruined financially if your unhappiness leads to divorce, not to mention all the gender-related or sexuality-related conflicts you will have to endure even if you do not divorce.

But, we will grant the same benefits and respect to other women who bypass all those risks and dangers by hooking up with another woman. Will not this make women who marry men look and feel a bit like fools?

And what about men?

Research is clear that gay men usually feel OK about sex outside a civil union or marriage, often by mutual consent. How often will a heterosexual married man get “mutual” consent from his wife to have an affair? Some recent research with lesbians has found that some of them look forward to marriage precisely because marriage would make having sex outside the marriage easier on the relationship. This is the exact opposite of what occurs for most heterosexual couples. That is, how many heterosexual women look forward to marriage so their husband can start having sex with other women or so they can start having sex with other men?

In other words, one cost of marriage for heterosexuals is sexual restriction, which may involve personal sacrifice. With same-sex marriage, that social norm will decline further in strength, in my estimation.

Thus, heterosexual men and women are doing what society calls for -- but we will be punishing them for it. It’s like telling a soldier: we need you to go and fight the enemy face-to-face 24 hours a day and to risk maiming and death. But we, in order to be “fair”, are going to grant the same respect, rank, promotions, or veterans benefits and privileges to soldiers who stayed home and worked only eight hours a day out of air conditioned buildings.

The challenge of proving the “harm”

The evidence, including my own research, suggests that same-sex couples are happier than opposite-sex couples. And why not? Sociology can only capture part of the spectrum of human happiness. If a survey defines it as fewer hassles, less conflict over gender-related issues or sexuality issues, more disposable income and less fretting about children, what would you expect?

But if we grant same-sex couples equality, we will create a grander inequality for the far larger proportion of society who accept the “challenges” (ie, the greater risks and costs) of living heterosexually while providing society with greater benefits in terms of greater stability and care for their own biologically-related children.

If you say “prove the harm”, I say, OK, how would you prove harm if all combat pay and decorations were eliminated in order to be “fair” and to create equality for non-combat soldiers? After all, some soldiers may not feel they were “born for” combat, may not feel attracted to it, may feel unsuited for it, yet they are soldiers. Surely they deserve the same respect, honor, and compensation?

If all benefits were “equalized”, and the military found it more difficult to get volunteers for battle, it could always be blamed on something else. If re-enlistment rates went down, it would be blamed on inadequate retention pay. The military could demand that all soldiers face combat. If the soldiers who were forced into combat against their will didn’t perform well, it could be blamed on bad leadership at the unit level.

I am not sure you could ever prove harm to the satisfaction of those who demanded the elimination of all differential pay and benefits for combat veterans versus non-combat veterans.

Proving the “harm” of same-sex marriage is similar. No matter what you find in the research, it will be denigrated and dismissed by those in favor of same-sex marriage. The reality is that US states are aligned on a sexual freedom continuum that includes a number of matters (sex before marriage, cohabitation, same-sex marriage, acceptance of divorce, etc.) related to the so-called Second Demographic Transition. Trying to separate the effects of same-sex marriage from the entire cluster of changes is like asking which bee of the five that stung you did the most damage. No matter what, the other four bees can almost always be blamed more than the fifth bee.

It is my opinion that for a social system to work optimally, everyone should play by the same rules, with a few exceptions (eg, disabilities). Marriage has traditionally meant sexual fidelity, at least in principle. It has meant two people of different genders working through gender conflicts. It has meant two people committing themselves to each other for a lifetime. It has meant having children that are biologically related to both parents or being supportive of others who have such children. It has meant raising children who are not ashamed of being a boy or a girl.

If we are to begin saying that sexual fidelity is not really all that important, that having children is not all that important, that accepting gender role conflicts is something to bypass if possible, that gender roles are not all that important for children, or that long-term relationship stability is not all that important, we are really saying this: people can pick and choose which rules to play by with the right to reject any rules, restrictions, or limits that they don’t like.

Allowing everyone to make up their own rules may sound like a wonderful freedom, but consider what would happen if football was played with no rules or no referees? What if the Geneva Conventions for warfare were handled that way (it’s up to each soldier to follow or not follow them, with no consequences either way)? What if children could choose what homework assignments to do or not do? Even those who are pro-gay recognize this principle latently when they criticize how some places allow same-sex marriage and others do not (ie, the rules/laws change from place to place and are not the same for everybody).

If folks want the same benefits of marriage, they should be willing to play by the same rules. Research tells us that this is not the case at present and logic suggests it may never be. If the rules do not matter any longer or if everyone can make up their own rules as they go along, the meaning of marriage changes substantially from what it has been traditionally.

As a sociologist my life is all about creating, taking and interpreting surveys of attitudes and opinions. So I sometimes feel a bit depressed at how knuckle-headed the media can be when reporting about research on same-sex marriage. Let’s look at a slogan which is being repeated over and over: Same-sex parents are just as good at parenting as heterosexuals. This looks simple -- but its simplicity is deceptive. Let me unpack it for you.
What is meant by “same-sex”?
Two sisters living together to save money, raising children from former husbands who died at a young age? Two bisexual women with children from previous marriages to men? Two lesbians who have each conceived a child by sperm donation? Two gay men who have adopted a child jointly?
Different situations can impact children very differently; thus, it is risky to subsume them all under the one label of “same-sex parent”. Does it mean that one parent had some same-sex experience as a teenager but now is heterosexual? Does it mean that one parent identifies as heterosexual but engages in gay affairs just for the sex? Sexual orientation is defined by attraction, behavior, and identity, with all combinations in between. Does it mean a woman who was raped at age six and became lesbian out of a hatred for her rapist? Does it mean a woman who feels she can be a better mother with another woman at her side rather than a man? Or, are we talking about someone who identifies as a “gay” man because he has found he has no sexual attraction to women or to men?
What is meant by “good”?
Does it mean they are provided adequate nutrition? Does it mean they are growing up with no plans on having sex until they marry? Does it mean they plan on cohabiting before they marry? Are they being raised to believe that they can marry a man or a woman when they marry? To what extent do the children believe in and practice delayed gratification? Are their gender roles distinct from those of the opposite sex? Are they growing up to love and serve God, putting that before personal pleasure or satisfaction? Does it mean they are academically prepared to succeed at the university?
What is meant by “just as”?
Does it mean that in a comparison of two biased non-random convenience samples, small in size, that there was an effect size difference that was moderate in magnitude but not statistically significant? Does it mean that there was a national random sample from which groups were compared with adequate statistical power to detect even small effect sizes? Were appropriate statistics used to make the comparisons?
What is meant by “parenting”?
Does it mean the parent is biologically related to the child? Does it mean that the parent spends only one day every two weeks with the child because of custody disputes? Does it mean that the father is the child’s biological father but the father has long ago disappeared and has not seen the child in the past ten years? Does it mean that the parent is “around” but for all practical purposes the child is being raised by a nanny? Does it mean that the parent has so much money that paid employees are, for all practical purposes, raising the child?
What is meant by “heterosexuals”?
Are these folks legally married? Cohabiting? In a civil union? Is the parent heterosexual but parenting alone because of the death or separation from the other person? Are the parents heterosexuals with a per capita family income (two parents earning $40,000 a year with six children) of a tenth of what the per capita family income of the comparison group (eg, one lesbian parent earning $100,000 a year with one child) happens to be?
What does the research say?
What may look simple on the surface can be pretty complicated. Research has been very limited in the past but is getting better. So what do we know?
First, despite continued denials, it appears that children of gay-lesbian-bisexual (GLB) parents are more likely to grow up to engage in same-sex sexual behavior, at least on an experimental basis, or to identify as GLB, than children of heterosexual parents.
This may be related to the evidence that GLB parents are much more flexible about or tolerant of their children adopting a non-heterosexual orientation than are most heterosexual parents. There is some evidence that sexual behavior by heterosexual children of same-sex parents is less traditional (cohabit sooner, more likely to have sex before marriage).
Second, if same-sex parents have long-term stable relationships, their children may do as well in some areas (psychological adjustment, school success), at least as reported by the parent (we have less information in terms of child reports or independent observers). However, same-sex parents (in contrast to same-sex couples, whose relationships may be as stable) appear to have far less stable relationships than heterosexual married, even cohabiting couples. That is, instability may be a problem for children, for both same-sex and heterosexual families. But the risk is greater for the former and their children on average may be disadvantaged.
Third, there is growing evidence that the gender roles of the children of same-sex couples, including adoptive same-sex couples, are more “flexible”. What that means in practice is that among the children of heterosexuals, the most masculine girl scores well below the average score for boys while the most feminine of boys scores well above the average score for girls. Among the children of same-sex parents, it is not uncommon for the most masculine girls to score above the average for boys and for the most feminine of boys to score below the average for girls (ie, much greater overlap of the distributions, which are also closer to each other).
Fourth, there is growing evidence that the children of same-sex couples may be more likely to use or abuse illegal drugs. This may reflect greater such drug usage by homosexuals in general or may reflect less parental training in delayed gratification by same-sex parents. Evidence is mounting that same-sex persons are more likely to have a background of childhood sexual abuse, which might or might not play into how they parent, if they become parents.
Because of selective reporting by most media, it is likely that most readers have never heard of much of this information.
If parents have a DNA relationship to a child, they take better care of the child. (I am referring to research that live-in boyfriends tend to abuse their girlfriend’s children more than do biological fathers.) In the traditional marriage, both parents have a DNA relationship to all of their children. This creates a quandary in that while we want to be supportive of all families and may need to be more supportive of non-DNA families, we really want as a society overall to encourage parenting by stable-relationship parents who are the biological parents of the child.
Who is doing the heavy lifting?
From another angle, we want to reward those in society who do the most difficult “emotional work”. Anyone who has ever tried living with a member of the opposite sex knows that it is emotional work and that it is not always easy.
There are numerous ways in which gender makes for conflict in heterosexual relationships. In terms of happiness in heterosexual relationships, if there are differences, it is most often that the woman is less happy.
It is clear that one result of no-fault divorce has been the feminization of poverty in which women lose much of their socioeconomic status after a divorce, even though they are more often responsible for the care of the children. If we begin to treat same-sex lesbian marriages as the same as heterosexual ones, what are we really telling young women? Go ahead and marry a man because this is good for society (both of you will have a DNA relationship to the child and your relationship will be more stable, which is good for the child) but you will have to accept the risk of a greater likelihood of being unhappy and of being ruined financially if your unhappiness leads to divorce, not to mention all the gender-related or sexuality-related conflicts you will have to endure even if you do not divorce.
But, we will grant the same benefits and respect to other women who bypass all those risks and dangers by hooking up with another woman. Will not this make women who marry men look and feel a bit like fools?
And what about men?
Research is clear that gay men usually feel OK about sex outside a civil union or marriage, often by mutual consent. How often will a heterosexual married man get “mutual” consent from his wife to have an affair? Some recent research with lesbians has found that some of them look forward to marriage precisely because marriage would make having sex outside the marriage easier on the relationship. This is the exact opposite of what occurs for most heterosexual couples. That is, how many heterosexual women look forward to marriage so their husband can start having sex with other women or so they can start having sex with other men?
In other words, one cost of marriage for heterosexuals is sexual restriction, which may involve personal sacrifice. With same-sex marriage, that social norm will decline further in strength, in my estimation.
Thus, heterosexual men and women are doing what society calls for -- but we will be punishing them for it. It’s like telling a soldier: we need you to go and fight the enemy face-to-face 24 hours a day and to risk maiming and death. But we, in order to be “fair”, are going to grant the same respect, rank, promotions, or veterans benefits and privileges to soldiers who stayed home and worked only eight hours a day out of air conditioned buildings.
The challenge of proving the “harm”
The evidence, including my own research, suggests that same-sex couples are happier than opposite-sex couples. And why not? Sociology can only capture part of the spectrum of human happiness. If a survey defines it as fewer hassles, less conflict over gender-related issues or sexuality issues, more disposable income and less fretting about children, what would you expect?
But if we grant same-sex couples equality, we will create a grander inequality for the far larger proportion of society who accept the “challenges” (ie, the greater risks and costs) of living heterosexually while providing society with greater benefits in terms of greater stability and care for their own biologically-related children.
If you say “prove the harm”, I say, OK, how would you prove harm if all combat pay and decorations were eliminated in order to be “fair” and to create equality for non-combat soldiers? After all, some soldiers may not feel they were “born for” combat, may not feel attracted to it, may feel unsuited for it, yet they are soldiers. Surely they deserve the same respect, honor, and compensation?
If all benefits were “equalized”, and the military found it more difficult to get volunteers for battle, it could always be blamed on something else. If re-enlistment rates went down, it would be blamed on inadequate retention pay. The military could demand that all soldiers face combat. If the soldiers who were forced into combat against their will didn’t perform well, it could be blamed on bad leadership at the unit level.
I am not sure you could ever prove harm to the satisfaction of those who demanded the elimination of all differential pay and benefits for combat veterans versus non-combat veterans.
Proving the “harm” of same-sex marriage is similar. No matter what you find in the research, it will be denigrated and dismissed by those in favor of same-sex marriage. The reality is that US states are aligned on a sexual freedom continuum that includes a number of matters (sex before marriage, cohabitation, same-sex marriage, acceptance of divorce, etc.) related to the so-called Second Demographic Transition. Trying to separate the effects of same-sex marriage from the entire cluster of changes is like asking which bee of the five that stung you did the most damage. No matter what, the other four bees can almost always be blamed more than the fifth bee.
It is my opinion that for a social system to work optimally, everyone should play by the same rules, with a few exceptions (eg, disabilities). Marriage has traditionally meant sexual fidelity, at least in principle. It has meant two people of different genders working through gender conflicts. It has meant two people committing themselves to each other for a lifetime. It has meant having children that are biologically related to both parents or being supportive of others who have such children. It has meant raising children who are not ashamed of being a boy or a girl.
If we are to begin saying that sexual fidelity is not really all that important, that having children is not all that important, that accepting gender role conflicts is something to bypass if possible, that gender roles are not all that important for children, or that long-term relationship stability is not all that important, we are really saying this: people can pick and choose which rules to play by with the right to reject any rules, restrictions, or limits that they don’t like.
Allowing everyone to make up their own rules may sound like a wonderful freedom, but consider what would happen if football was played with no rules or no referees? What if the Geneva Conventions for warfare were handled that way (it’s up to each soldier to follow or not follow them, with no consequences either way)? What if children could choose what homework assignments to do or not do? Even those who are pro-gay recognize this principle latently when they criticize how some places allow same-sex marriage and others do not (ie, the rules/laws change from place to place and are not the same for everybody).
If folks want the same benefits of marriage, they should be willing to play by the same rules. Research tells us that this is not the case at present and logic suggests it may never be. If the rules do not matter any longer or if everyone can make up their own rules as they go along, the meaning of marriage changes substantially from what it has been traditionally.
- See more at: http://www.mercatornet.com/articles/view/unpacking_the_slogans#sthash.ZutCXwtB.dpuf